Sometimes I wonder if what I need most is to learn to be happy with being me rather than trying to be a person that makes everyone else happy. I yearn to have more of a solid identity, something that feels grounding and that defines me better, but I feel like I get stuck trying to be understanding of and Accepting of everyone else. I want everyone else to feel happy and noticed, and heard and so even if I disagree with things I may not actually fully express what I feel, think, or believe because I’m scared of hurting and alienating other people.

It’s exhausting but I also don’t know how to live any other way and I’m scared to let go of that identity, that person. I suppose that is an identity but I often feel like it’s kind of a non-identity because I’m always putting on masks and trying to fit in with everyone around me. Ultimately it means that I don’t really fit in with anyone and I struggle to find connection and build deeper relationships which I want.

Sometimes I don’t want to take care of everyone. Sometimes I hate that even when I try to take care of everyone and support them, that almost no one responds back with the same level of care. So I feel abandoned. It’s sad, but true.

These are some of the reasons I feel like I want to dive deeper into a more individualistic and unapologetic identity. I want to connect with the people that believe like I do, that feel like I do, that live like I do. I don’t want to keep putting energy into helping so many different people that end up not caring about me or caring that I helped them. Maybe my perspective on this is off, I’m open to that. But I think I want to be able to say an emphatic yes and no to more things. I dunno, it also scares me cuz I’ve built an identity around ambiguity, exploration, curiosity and I don’t want to lose that curious and open mind. But maybe I wouldn’t lose it, maybe it would actually increase?